The Dream That Ends Someday
by Pixietails
Summary: [ShounenAi] Rescued from my PunkyKittie account. Vash thinks back on his time spent with Wolfwood, the man he came to love.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Trigun or any of its characters, mkay?

**Warnings:** Major spoilers for episode 23. If you haven't seen up to this point, please don't read unless you like ruining things for yourself. Also, this story contains shounen-ai, so if you don't like that either, I suggest turning back. Flames will be ignored. Or used for marshmallow roasting purposes.

**Pairing:** Vash x Wolfwood

**Rating:** PG-13, 'cause PG seemed a bit light.

**The Dream That Ends Someday**

It's never easy to lose someone close to you, but at this stage in my life, I've sadly come to expect it. I don't like making friends with people for just that reason; everyone who touches me dies. So far, this has practically proven true.

Maybe I thought it would be different this time. I mean, Meryl and Milly have had their share of close calls, but they're still alive and healthy, and I had known them longer...why were you the one who had to die? Not saying I'd rather it be them, of course! But...why did anyone have to die that day? Why couldn't I have prevented it? I failed to save your life, and I can never forgive myself for such a blunder.

We fought that day, I remember. Not physically, but it came pretty damn close. The day you showed who you really were to me. Didn't you realize how it hurt me to know you'd been conspiring against me? Could you possibly have fathomed how badly that afflicted me? I think...perhaps...you _did_ know...because I could see something in your eyes as we stared each other down. You couldn't kill me. You couldn't hurt me physically, and I knew that it was tearing you up to hurt me mentally, but you still did. And now, how I wish I hadn't have let you go...

They say if you truly love something, let it go and if it returns to you it's meant to be, but you didn't return to me. I watched as you flew away and made no move to catch you back. I couldn't keep you caged in forever, and after receiving the shock of knowing you were working with the Gung-Ho Guns, for a moment I didn't care if you stayed or not. I was foolish to have felt that...I should have understood you would have gladly died than betray me; that you truthfully were my friend. I know now you had started out working for my brother, Knives, and that you were sent to bring me to him, but as I look back at the times we spent together, I know you changed. Something formed between us that went beyond friendship, and no one could take that away. It clearly meant more to you than life.

It's hard, knowing I'll never get to see you again, and it isn't fair. It hurts so badly that sometimes I just can't bear it and want to die myself, but I have to go on. You wouldn't want that. I thought I had ached when I lost Rem. When she died, I felt sorrow like I had never felt before. It tore me up, but as time went on, my broken heart began to mend. It had nearly healed, but now...well...now I don't think it ever will. Not with you gone...

Looking down on the gravestone bearing your name is utterly surreal to me, like one of those weird bad dreams you have after eating too many sweets. Meryl told me not to come to graveyard today; that I'd catch my death of cold out in the rain, but I find this kind of weather suiting. The sky is a solid, dull gray and though it's double midday, it's really dark. We rarely get to see rain around here, and I know you would have liked it a lot. It brings back memories of the day we shared our first kiss.

The sky was dark gray, just like it is now, but it wasn't raining. I remember the look on your face well. It made me laugh. You said you hadn't seen rain in a long, long time and you were hoping that it would rain that day. We were sharing a room, because we were nearly broke. Meryl and Milly were staying in a room across the hall from us. As the day faded into night, it indeed began to rain and your eyes lit up like a little kid. I think it was then I realized that I loved you. It struck me as odd, however, because I had failed to realize it sooner. The way I felt every time around you...it wasn't just happiness at having a friend. It was love.

I was scared then. I panicked, mentally, worrying myself silly. What if you found out and completely hated me? Or what if I scared you and forced you away? You parting from me was a thought I just couldn't bear, but I couldn't harbor the feelings anymore once I had discovered them. I longed desperately to tell you everything, but I wondered how you could ever feel the same way about me. Imagine my shock when you turned away from the window and looked at me, those midnight blue eyes of yours locking onto my own sea-green eyes. I froze, feeling as if you could read my thoughts and damnit, I really think you could.

"What's wrong, Tongari?" you asked. I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't just blurt everything out and tell you, could I? In fact, had I wanted to, I don't think I could have. I could only stutter a few letters at a time. You walked over to me then, and sat down on the bed next to me, our eyes still fixed in a stare. You said to me, "I have to ask you something. Promise not to get upset?"

Oh God, how my stomach flipped then! I felt like I was going to be sick. Surely, _surely_, you could not have been thinking the same thing as me. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

"Imagine...that you think you have strong feelings for a close friend..." you started softly. My stomach dropped as if I'd been on a frighteningly tall ride and just been released. I felt completely stupid for a moment, like I should have been expecting this. Of course, you would be talking about Milly, right? I mean, I'd seen the way you two played around. You seemed like you'd make a perfect couple. But you continued... "And say that you wanted to tell him, but couldn't find the courage--"

"Him?" I interrupted. I saw you give a slight jump and blush deeply almost immediately, causing me to smile. I didn't have to wait for you to finish--by then, I knew. I don't rightly now how, but I did. I leaned over and gently captured your lips with mine as you stumbled clumsily with your words. The way your eyes widened in shock made me want to laugh, but it also frightened me. I was about to pull back when you closed your eyes and leaned into me, returning the kiss with a soft moan.

I was in pure shock! Here we were...kissing! It was just like a dream come true...and it felt so right. Everything had happened so fast, but we didn't seem to care to slow it down at all. After what seemed like an eternity, the kiss broke, and I looked at you with a worried expression.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean--I shouldn't have--" I stuttered, unable to find the right words. I tried to apologize profusely for what I had done, but you cut me off.

"Tongari, shut up and kiss me again."

I blinked, watching the mischievous grin creep across your face and smiled myself. As I slipped one arm around your back, I leaned in to kiss you once more, this time more passionate; more desperate. I still remember the way it tasted; tobacco and whiskey, an odd combination no doubt, but to me it tasted oddly sweet. I don't rightly recall how it happened, but it seemed in no time I was lying on top of you, pressing my mouth against yours fiercely, as if I couldn't kiss you enough. It was ecstasy I had never experienced before. For the first time since I had been with Rem, I was truly happy.

Well, one thing led to another that humid, rainy night and well...let's say I never imagined myself to be the dominant one of our pairing. I'm genuinely surprised we didn't attract Meryl and Milly's attention with all the noise we made that night in our little room. The thought struck me later that perhaps if they _had_ known what we were up to, they didn't exactly want to say anything.

It was like living in a dream. The days following were some of the happiest I'd ever lived through, but my euphoria was not to last long. That fateful day you turned on me was the day my happiness died. I know you didn't want to, but because of it, you went away and met your doom. I didn't stop you when I had the chance. I wanted you to be gone. I felt betrayed, broken, used. Had I realized earlier that it wasn't true, perhaps you'd still be alive.

There's another thing that constantly eats away at me. I was always telling you not to kill anyone or anything; that it was wrong. It was my motto and you knew it only too well, as I see it affected you. Now, I completely disprove of killing, but had you shot Chapel the Evergreen that day and killed him...you might be here with me now, but you let him live. And Legato took control of him and shot you.

I was devastated. It couldn't be true. When I found your body in the church...God...my entire body went numb. Looking at you, lying there in your own blood...it was overwhelming. Tears clouded my vision as I stumbled to you and dropped down on my knees. I gathered you in my arms and held you, crying, not willing myself to believe it. I had always known that the dream would end someday, but not so nightmarishly grotesque.

I carried your cross with me in your memory. In all actuality, I didn't want to let it go. Your body was taken out of the city and buried at your church three hundred iles outside of December. I thought you would have liked it here, and now, seeing your cross has saved my life, I can leave it here at your grave in remembrance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I'm aware that the mere word does nothing to alleviate the pain I've caused, but I hope now you're somewhere you can be happy. I pray that you've gone to your Eden, and that one day I will be able to join you for eternity.

I loved you, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, and I always will. May your soul rest in peace, amen.


End file.
